Drag King
by HanR
Summary: FF6: Find out Edgar's secret! So just what happens when he decides to pull out the lippie and high heels? And what does Sabin think? Does he think? R+R!


"Just stunning, oh yes absolutely gorgeous!" Edgar said posing in front of the mirror. "Stick out that butt, yeah, you're a lady-killer, bow down to the sex symbol of Figaro!"

Just then, who should walk in but Sabin, naturally, judging by the fact that the other always walks in on the first. It's like a tradition.

"What are you doing, brother?" Sabin asked. "And why are you dressed like a girl with a feather boa?"

"Well I think high heels are for everyone!" Edgar said tossing Sabin a pair of red sparkly high heels. "I think these would go really nicely with your outfit,"

"But… but, hang on a sec!" Sabin protested. "I can't tuck my Aladdin pants into my shoes if I wear them!"

"Aladdin pants are so, like out!" Edgar rolled his eyes. "Short, black mini-skirts, big fluffy coats and feather boas with crimped hair is the LOOK. Get with it, Sabin,"

"Sorry if I don't read women's weekly like some people." Sabin said poking his brother.

"Who said I read women's weekly, I read Cleo, Girlfriend and Dolly. Women's weekly is for menopausal women!" 

"Brother, are you trying to scare everyone in the castle?" Sabin asked, bending down to tuck his Aladdin pants into his shoes. Edgar whacked him on the bum before speaking.

"Well I just don't know how to tell them…" Edgar sighed.

"Tell 'em what?" Sabin asked rubbing his head.

"Um…Sabin I whacked you on the bum not the head." Edgar informed his brother.

"Oh, yeah." Sabin said rubbing his bum.

"Brother… how do you think I should tell them?" Edgar asked, teasing his bangs and glancing at himself in the mirror.

"What are you talking about?!" Sabin cried. "I'm just a muscle head with a tan and a sore head, I don't get this stuff!"

"Sore bum, Sabin…" Edgar reminded him. 

"Whatever," Sabin sighed. "What are you on about?"

"Tell them you know that I'm a…" Edgar started before Sabin interrupted.

"A blonde?" Sabin asked. "Well I'd just-"

"A drag king!" Edgar yelled in frustration.

"So? I met heaps of them… uh…" Sabin turned away from his brother. "My head hurts…"

"Bum!" Edgar yelled. "Can't anyone in this castle have half a brain?"

"What's a brain?" Sabin asked confused.

"Don't worry you never had one and never will." Edgar stated.

"Oh, ok then." Sabin said. "So are you really a drag king does that mean I get to drag you around?"

"No I'm a drag queen, you idiot,"

"So… does that mean, wait, but there's no queen for me to drag around!" Sabin exclaimed.

"Ok I'll put into the simplest form I can think of. I'm a cross dresser." 

"Does that mean you're angry when you get dressed?" Sabin asked puzzled. "Can I be one too? Because these pants are a real pain to get on." 

"Do you have a brain?!" Edgar yelled in frustration. Sabin blinked.

"No. Anger management, brother, then you won't have to be a cross dresser anymore."

"Ok Sabin I'll put it into your form of speaking I put on women's clothes." Edgar said speaking slowly.

"You mean you're a girl? Hey, I always wanted a sister! But Edgar you have a…." 

"How do you know?" Edgar asked, horrified.

"Well, when you were in the… err… umm… shower…."

"Sabin you pervert!" Edgar screeched.

"Sorry…hey by the way you're a really good singer…but you should get the matron to look at that rash on your…"

"SABIN!"  

"Umm… it was an accident, honest," Sabin tried. Edgar didn't look pleased. "Well if you feel that bad about you can see me with my pants down." Sabin blushed.

"Sabin no!" Edgar shook his head. "The only way you can pay me back is to help me how to tell the people,"

"Simple!" Sabin exclaimed, before opening the castle window and yelling down to the people below. "Hey! Edgar's a drag queen!"

Down bellow he heard a servant whisper to another. 

"I knew they should have locked him up."

"Hey! I heard that! Why you..." Sabin yelled preparing to jump out the window. "There's nothing wrong with drag queens! They happen to be very nice she-males." Edgar clamped a hand over Sabin's mouth and hit him on the head.

"Ouch!" Sabin exclaimed, rubbing his bum. "That hurt, Edgar,"

Just then, there was a knock at the door, and Terra's head popped around. Sabin's face lit up as he saw her.

"Hey, Tezza! Want to try on women's clothing too?"

"Oh sweet turnips! What the hell is going on here? And who is this girl you've got in here Sabin, when Edgar comes back and finds you in his room your dead!" Terra warned.

"But I..." Sabin started to explain, but Edgar kneed him where it hurts. "Ouch!" he exclaimed. "My elbow!"

"So who's the young lady aren't you going to introduce me."

"You want her?" Sabin asked, looking at his brother. "Believe me, you don't. It's Edgar,"

"Your girlfriends called Edgar how strange." Terra mused.

"No it IS…" Sabin started but Edgar butted in.

"Lovely to meet you."

"What, is strange?" Terra asked. "It's nice to meet you too, Edgar… hmm, it's just odd that your girlfriend has the same name as your brother, and they both have blonde hair, too,"

"And both look ditzy?" Sabin offered helpfully before Edgar kicked him up the butt.

"Stop hurting my head!" he cried.

"Oh I'm sorry I hope your not insulted by me saying you look like the king Edgar. Trust me your better looking and he's such a sleaze bag." Terra said rolling her eyes. "You know the other day he tried to hit on me what a jerk, I hope he wakes up one day and realises that all the women actually don't drool over him more like gag." 

"Yeah, me too!" Sabin laughed. "He is such a dope! Ha ha ha ha! Not at all like me," he added.

"That's… nice…" Edgar started. "No, of course… not at all like you, Sabin, heh heh…"

"Hey Eddy, eh, why don't you and me go swimming sometime today how lets say 3ish? You've gotta see my new bathers they are to die for!" Terra laughed happily.

"Umm…" Edgar started. "I'd love to, but… you know, that time of the month and all…"

"Oh no prob, how about we just go clothes shopping nothing better then a good browse in all the posh clothes shops that you can't afford huh?" Terra said. "Ok I'll meet you at the front at 3." She said before walking off. 

"I am officially dead," Edgar rolled his eyes up to the ceiling. "I am going to be dead, buried and rotting today. I'm going to be known in history as the king of Figaro who died after his friend took him clothes shopping thinking he was a girl, and I'm also going to be known in history for giving my friend a heart attack after she realises what I'm NOT!"

"Why didn't you just tell her?" Sabin asked puzzled.

"Because…because I...I Love her." Edgar whispered to Sabin.

"But…Ed if you're a drag king that means you gotta like guys right?"

Edgar soon had Sabin pinned against the wall.

"Uh-Oh you're not going to kiss me, are you?" 

"That's gays you moron!" Edgar yelled.

"Oh so you're not gay you just like guys? I'm confused…"

"Does Terra look like a guy to you?" Edgar yelled. Sabin frowned.

"Well… she might be a drag queen in disguise…you can't be to careful!"

"Sabin go jump!" Edgar snapped, pushing his brother away.

"Okay," Sabin said, jumping on the spot. "Happy now?"

"You gotta help me how to get out of this dog poo." Edgar begged.

"What dog poo? Where did you step in some coz that's just gross and your going to get your stilettos dirty!" Sabin exclaimed. "Anyway, I didn't know we had a dog,"

Edgar banged his head against the wall. Why did he have to have such a nutcase for a brother? 

Terra's hair gleamed a slimy froggy colour green against the hot son which shone down harshly down upon the red sandy plains. Edgar ducked behind a flowerpot to check for the last time that his make up was caked on just right.

"Hey haven't seen you round." Edgar spun around in shock and fell flat on his arse. 

"Uh-Oh." Edgar muttered as stared up at the sliver headed figure.

"Uh-oh is the exact word mademoiselle, for I am the man of your dreams. You seem vaguely familiar. Now tell me my beautiful rose, what shall I call thee?" Stetzer asked grabbing Edgar's hand. Edgar gulped, what should he say? He looked around trying to find the right answer. He saw a gardener pulling up turnips.

"Turnipiania," he stumbled the words falling out of his mouth before he could stop them. Stetzer looked taken back for only a second or two but soon wiped the surprise look off his face.

"Oh what a delightful name and suits you so well." Edgar raised his eyebrows. He'd never been told he looked like a turnip. Setzer's flirting was even worse then he had thought.

"And now mademoiselle I must leave you, but I will make sure our paths cross another day, that I will make sure of." He bent down, Edgar realising in shock that he was about to kiss his hand. He whacked Setzer fair across the nose.

"YEOW!!!" Setzer cried holding his now purple and swelling nose, swearing at Edgar under his breath but soon regaining his lame attempt at flirting. "Oh well, I've always liked my women to be a bit hard to get it gives me more pleasure at the end when I've caught them. Chaos my love!" And with that he got up to still holding his nose. Edgar sighed with relief. One day he'd probably look back at this and laugh but not today. 

He walked over to where was Terra filing her nails. When she saw him she looked up and gave him one of her cute twinkling smiles.

"Hey Eddie, good to see you could make it. I was getting worried." Terra said.

"Yeah um...Setzer held me up." Edgar explained blushing a deep red. Terra snorted.

"Don't worry about him Ed, he's just a sleazebag gambler who never wash his hair so it turned grey. Do what I do when I see him." 

"What that's?" Edgar asked interested.

"Avoid eye contact, look up and walk very, very fast. And if her does talk to you… Do you know French or Italian?" Terra asked.

Edgar nodded dumbly." French."

"Well start speaking in French. He's supposed to be a wiz at both but the truth is he only knows how to say hello and goodbye. He makes up the rest. Trust me he'll be out of there before you can say chocobo. How'd you get rid of him?"

"Bash him in the nose." Edgar stated like he was announcing the weather.

"You what?" Terra doubled over in hysterics. "Boy, never thought of that one!" She glanced at her watch. Come on we'd better go if we want to get some serious shopping done."

"Oh, Eddie there must be a sale on…I just love a good barging don't you?" Terra piped.

"Yeah," Edgar replied as he tried desperately to keep up with Terra fast walking past and not knock too many people over. 

"Where to first Eddie?" Terra called over her shoulder. Then squealed in delight. "Oh a lingerie sale!" she cried making her way over to the shop pulling Edgar along with her. She must have seen the colour drain from his face.

"What's the matter Ed?" Terra asked looking concerned.

"Um…I just need a fag." Edgar replied clinging to the first excuse that came to his mind.

"I didn't know you smoked?"

"Either did I." Edgar muttered. "You go inside I see they've got bras 50% off." 

"Nah, they can wait. Anyway I need a drink," Terra explained and pulled a drink bottle out of her bag. "Aren't you going to have a smoke?" Terra asked.

"Oh yes…" Edgar said.  Oh crap, look what mess I've got into now. Can't I have an excuse that actually goes right? He'd never smoked a cigarette in his life so the possibility of him having one was below 0. Terra was watching him. What should he do? A guy was smoking beside him. This is the only way. He grabbed it from the guys mouth and took in a long drag of the revolting thing. Cough and spluttering Terra whacked him on the back. When he finally stopped he whispered to the guy who looked like he had just seen a ghost, he looked again to make sure.

"Locke?" Edgar splutter.

"Yeah? Oh sweet mother of pearl Edgar is that really you?" Locke gasped with a looked of absolute horror on his face.

"Oh so you to have met?" Terra said smiling at them both.

"Have we met?" Locke said. "What are you on Tezza I think your hair dyes gone to your head of course we've met! I can't believe this Edgar I new you liked dress-" Locke started shaking his head but Edgar cut him off.

"Dresses, yes we're going shopping for some" Edgar said frantically trying to tell look that Terra didn't know. Terra looked confused but then she did nearly always.

"So how did you two met?" Terra asked.

"Well that's really along story. Maybe we should tell you another time." 

"You now how we met Tezza. You know with the ret-" Locke began. Edgar felt the lies crumbling under his feet.

"Retirees club." Edgar filled in quickly.

"The retirees?" said Terra and Locke together.

"Um… you know we used to go to old peoples houses and…um sing for them." Edgar answered.

"I didn't know you two could sing?" Terra asked. "Well, anyways, I'm glad you guys have met, I'm just going lingerie shopping with Edgar…"

"I knew you were desperate to go on a date after Leo died but I didn't think you were that desperate, Tezza, I mean come on! Edgar the pimp?"

"Edgar is not a pimp!" Terra exclaimed indignantly. "She is a very nice girl, thankyou very much! Don't insult my friends before you get to know them," Terra yelled at Locke.

"But I do know him we are-"

"Used to date." Edgar cut in.

"WHAT?" Locke cried. "I don't date guys,"

Terra advanced on Locke, and slapped him hard on the cheek.

"Edgar is so not a guy! She is a nice girl who has just been insulted by your lack of intelligence. Apologise to her,"

"Sorry, Ed just to think all these years I thought you were a guy," Locke started. "I mean you would assume that kings would be guys, right?"

"This is NOT Edgar the king, its Edgar the girl!" Terra screamed at Locke.

"Oh so you've had a sex change now?" Locke asked. Edgar blushed.

"Oh look, you're making her embarrassed!" Terra shot a death glare at Locke. "She's only new into town, she doesn't need dorks like you telling her that she looks like Edgar the king. I mean, what an insult." Edgar tugged on Terra's sleeve.

"Come on you want to get a bra before all the good ones go don't you?" Edgar said. Terra gave one more glare at Locke and then stormed off to the shop. 

"LOCKE! I can't believe you! You nearly ruined everything!!!" Edgar yelled at Locke making sure Terra was out of hearing range.

"Ruined what?" Locke asked. "Coz you were acting mighty strange just then."

"She doesn't know." Edgar whispered to Locke.

"Doesn't know what-Oh that you're a drag queen!" Locke said just starting to understand.

"Shhhh…. keep your voice down, and she's not going to find out, she thinks I'm a different person, a girl named Edgar." Edgar explained.

"So when are you going to tell her?" Locke asked curiously.

"I don't know." Edgar said putting his head in his hands.

""Careful don't cry Eddie your mascara will run." Locke whispered meanly in his ear, Edgar just glared at him.

"Oh Eddie. Come quick I've found a bra that would just go perfect with your eyes!" Terra squealed over the crowd. Edgar groaned.

"Have fun bra shopping." Locke said before turning around and disappearing into the crowd.

"Mmm, yeah I think this is just so perfect for you, Ed," Terra smiled, holding a bra so small that Edgar didn't think he could fit his pinky finger into it, let alone his 'boobs'. It was a bright blue, so bright that Edgar was certain that it had an ultraviolet light on it, and looking at it would blind him.

"Umm, very nice," Edgar mumbled, hoping that she didn't see him blush slightly. All around him were half naked women parading the bras and showing them to their friends. He normally wouldn't have blushed at such a thing, but at times like these he couldn't help it.

"So, what are you waiting for? Model it for me!" Terra exclaimed.

"WHAT?" Edgar cried. Terra looked confused.

"It's what girls always do around this area. We model the bras for our friends, yeah? So go model it for me!"

Edgar looked around wildly and started coughing violently. Terra stood beside him, holding his arm worriedly.

"Are you all right, Eddie?" Terra asked concerned

"I… I'm all right," Edgar coughed, clearing his throat. "Sorry, I just haven't been feeling so well recently, could we go and buy a drink or something?"

"Of course!" Terra exclaimed, dragging him literally off to the food court. "I'm sure they won't all go straight away. We'll come back later,"

Great, Edgar thought but didn't say anything. They had nearly reached the tables when Edgar realised something that he hoped wouldn't occur; he needed to go to the toilet.

"Um…would you please excuse me for a second. I need to go to the bathroom." Edgar said.

"Yeah, sure I'll get us a table." Terra said smiling sweetly. Quickly Edgar made his way to the toilet. When he got there as normal he saw to doors one with a symbol of a lady and one with a man. Now under normal circumstances this wouldn't be a tough decision, but then this was not a normal day. He stood between the two-doors umming and areing about which one to go in. On one hand he was dressed like a lady so he should go in there, but on the other hand he was a man and something about going into the ladies toilets seemed wrong, like he was turning into a total girl and all he really liked to do was dress up in dresses and high heels. He went into the males, but unfortunately there was someone in there: A guy, a lot older than him, combing his hair grey hair. 

"Um…sorry miss but shouldn't you been in the **ladies** toilets?" The man asked puzzled. Edgar narrowed his eyes slightly in recognition. It was Strago. This was going to be messy. He rushed into the toilet and locked it, before hitching up his dress and sitting down on the toilet defiantly.

"Shouldn't you be in the ladies toilets?" Strago asked again, sounding somewhat confused. Edgar groaned and frowned.

"Shut up, you old fart, I shouldn't be in the ladies toilets because they were all full and I was busting,"

"But you should wait,"

Strago kept on annoying Edgar until there was only one thing he could resort to. He let out a long, loud and stinky fart, which wafted under the door right over to Strago.

"Geez, little lady, you got some bad gas there," Strago winkled his nose as he took a breath. "Been eating too much baked beans, yeah?"

Edgar said nothing, just concentrated on farting as much as he could. After the stink grew abominable, Strago left the toilets in disgust. Edgar covered his nose, not realising how much the scent travelled. He flushed the toilet and tried to open the door, except it was stuck. He shoved it a couple of times but to no avail.

Great. He thought I'm going to die because of my own fart power and I'm stuck in a toilet. What a totally horrible way to die. Edgar sat on the toilet for sometime…pondering over what it would be like to die in a toilet. When suddenly he had an idea! If he could just stand up on the toilet and hoist himself over the cubical wall he might be able to prevent dying in a toilet. With a busrt of hope he jumped up onto the toilet and then he swung a leg over the cubical divider into the next cubical. When he froze.

"Your crazy Strago! Go get your eyes tested why would my friend be guys toilets?" Terra asked she was just outside the door. "You sure it was her? Blonde, hair blue eyes wearing a pink flowery dress." Terra questioned.

"That's the one." Strago replied. And before Edgar had time to do anything Terra opened the door staring in shock at the sight that met her eyes.

"What the hell?" were the only words that came from Terra's mouth. And just at that second Edgar's hands that had been supporting from getting the worlds worst wedgie collapsed. 

"YEOW!" he screamed, throwing his arms frantically around so that he lost balance and fell into the next cubical. But lucky he fell on something soft. He opened his eyes to find himself staring into the eyes of Locke.

"ARRRHHHH! Locke screamed shoving Edgar off his lap.

"Uh-Oh." Said Edgar trying to run out of this nightmare cubical, but tripped over Locke's pants and banging his head on the door and knocking him out cold.

When he came to, the first thing he noticed was that he had an extremely sore head. The second thing he noticed was that he was still suffering the after-effects of the world's worst wedgie. The third thing he noticed was that he couldn't see.

"What the hell?" he asked, swearing under his breath and rubbing his eyes. Slowly they cleared and he found himself staring into the eyes of Locke, Terra, Setzer, Sabin and Strago. "What are you dorks doing here?" he asked stupidly, wincing as the world's worst wedgie came back to haunt him.

"He's awake!" Sabin said stating the bleeding obvious. Edgar groaned wishing someone would knock him out again.

"Oh, Eddie I was so worried. What happened? Are you ok?" Terra asked, kneeling beside Edgar's bed.

"I-I can explain Terra." Edgar started.

"Shhh…Turnipiania needs some rest." Setzer told the others.

"Turnipwhata?" Locke asked, confused. Edgar groaned praying they'd just all go away.

"Her name…Now sweet dreams my beautiful Turnip." Setzer said lightly bending over to kiss Edgar's scowling forehead.

"Setzer!" Terra said waking him fair across his bandaged nose.

"YEOW!" Setzer cried. "You bitch!"

"That's me name don't wear it out!" Terra said turning on her heel…the others following closely behind.

A week later Edgar was lying on his bed reading his favourite book Mrs Doubtfire. "Why didn't I think of a good name like that? Turnipiania, where did I pull that one from?" 

There was a light knock on his door.

"Eddie, its me Tezza can I come in?" called Terra from behind the door.

Oh crap! What could be worse? He scrambled out of bed, nearly falling out and getting tangled in the silk sheets.

"No, I'm, uh… getting changed. Wait a second," Edgar stuttered and ran over to the en suite connected to his room, and locked the door. He garbbed his purple skirt (a bargain only $15 he picked up from Savers!) 

Oh fruit loops! He muttered realising his top wasn't in there. He quickly put on a bit of lippy and mascara and dashed out into his bedroom but stood frozen like a rabbit as he saw Terra sitting on his bed. He stood there in total disbelief turning a dark red colour as she saw him. He was about to run back into the bathroom but she swiftly walked over and grasped his shoulder. When she spoke, her voice was soft and gentle.

"Oh, good, Edgar. I needed to speak to you about something,"

Edgar blinked in surprise, before speaking.

"Can you p-please pass me my top? It's kind of cold in here,"

Terra smiled and went over to Edgar's drawers, and handing him a striped jumper. He smiled weakly in thanks and pulled it over his head, wishing he could keep it there so he wouldn't have to see her. After he had left the top on his head for five minutes, Terra tapped him on the shoulder.

"Edgar it's nothing to be ashamed of." Terra said.

"You don't care." Edgar said his words coming out mumbled through the wool.

"Of course I don't care…lots of ladies don't have boobs. But it doesn't matter, they're still lovely people." Terra said pulling down his jumper.

"Anyway that's not what I wanted to talk to you about…please sit down," 

Edgar sat down stiffly not believing what he had heard. Could Terra really be that dumb? 

"What I wanted to talk to you about was king Edgar. Have you seen him around?" Terra asked.

"Yeah, I see him sometimes," Edgar stuttered. Terra smiled.

"So you know him?"

"Err… sometimes," 

"Your good friends with him? You two would make a perfect couple!" she exclaimed. Edgar bit his tongue in fear. Where was this conversation going to lead?

"You know, he's not really such a bad guy. He's a bit lecherous, admittedly, except he's really shy when it comes to telling a girl how he feels about her. He should summon up the guts to tell her that he cares, don't you reckon?" Terra asked innocently.

"Umm… if you say so," Edgar mumbled.

"What? Didn't hear you," Terra smiled.

"Umm, if you say so," Edgar repeated slightly louder then before.

"Yeah well the truth of the matter is that I actually love Edgar, I'm just not sure if he feels the same way." Terra said looking dreamy.

"I'm sure he would any guy would have to be crazy to not go out with you." Edgar said holding her hand.

"Oh that's so sweet, but you know I'm not sure if Edgar feels that way about me…I think he hates me."

"NO HE DOESN'T!" Edgar yelled with a bit too much enthusiasm.

"But how do you know?" Terra asked close to tears.

"I-I just know…" Edgar said, he couldn't believe what Terra was actually saying.

"Oh but Eddie, you don't understand. I just love him so much; I'd just be too disappointed to live with myself if he turned me down. I'd give the world for him." Terra said. And without thinking Edgar did something he would later regret. He got off the bed still holding Terra's hand and said. "Oh Terra my love will you marry me?" Terra looked shocked.

"What the hell?" she cried. "What are you on Eddie."

"Oh- by the way I'm actually Edgar the KING dressed up as a girl." Edgar added hastily.

"Oh- and by the way I new all along, Turnipiania." And with that Terra burst out laughing. Edgar nearly fainted, his jaw must have touched the ground. Terra put her finger under his chin to close it.

"Don't you get it? It was a joke! Everyone was in on it! Sabin, Locke, Setzer, Strago, me EVERYONE!"

"I can't believe it!" Edgar sat there for a long time. Why didn't he pick up how strange it was that everyone kept turning up? And of course Terra wouldn't be that dumb." After about 10 minutes or so he looked up to see Terra who was looking down from the bed smiling at him. The sun shone through her algae green hair. He knew what must be done.

"Terra, love of my life, light of my world for the second time. Will you do the honours of being my wife?"

"No." Terra said. "See ya later Drag King." And with that she got up and left. 

Edgar sighed got up and belly flopped onto his bed. Maybe the world wasn't just quite ready to except Drag Kings.

THE END! J

By Hannah and Em


End file.
